A Recorded Conversation…

Here it is, I lay it bear before You. Read the words written here. What a relief to know there are no secrets between You and I. Look at what you see. Here listed are my imperfections. Here are my dreams. Here are my accomplishments. Here are the things I pride myself in -good and bad. Here are the idols we need to tear down. Here are Your plans for me – how beautiful. I’m not exposed and made to feel ashamed with you, I’m vulnerable and free. I’m open. I hate displeasing you, although at times it comes naturally to my self- my flesh. Here are secrets hidden to many, but not to You. Holy Spirit bring rest here. I’ve discovered that on my own I cannot discover the kind of peace and rest I long for. Without You I simply cannot live a pure and holy life.

Here it is, my heart. Take it, keep it. It’s Yours first. Look at all the cares I carry in it, I give these to you now. I give you my joys, and my uncertainties. My laughs and my cries. Take all my cares. The one care I’ll keep though, is the desire to be near you. As I pass these cares to you I soon realise the peace you’ve previously described to me. Such peace surpasses my understanding.

No heavy heart here. Not after speaking with you.

Susan my Grandma! 

We don’t speak for long, but when we do I walk away with buckets and buckets full of faith

She speaks and wisdom pours from her lips. She laughs and joy overflows to those who hear it , and yes demons flee! 

I always end up overwhelmed by the grace in her voice, the Grace of God . My eyes fill up with tears because I hear Authority in her voice, I hear confidence in Him. I can sense how close they are, and His presence overwhelms me. I’m amazed by this woman, that this kind of woman is in my bloodline. 

My grandmother. A pillar of faith. A prayerful woman. A very kind woman. A loving woman. A woman rich in spirit. I want to be like her, and if I want to be like her, what I’m really saying is I want to be like Him 

#Mama #Susan #AlwaysPraisingGod

Outcast

Outcast, chosen last. Left aside , left behind. 

How does one describe being pushed aside.

For many years , I’ve seen your heart bleed , I’ve seen the need to cover up , and muster up the strength to face your overwhelming fears. 

Back and forth your mind races, through all the spaces. The different faces, and all those places that you’ve been hurt. 

Outcast. You stare in the mirror and stare at the pillar of pain, you can’t move, you can’t run away.  How can one run from ones self? 

‘What are you looking at!?!’ you ask as they stare at your unveiled hurt. It runs down from your truth telling eyes , down your cheek. And with your hands you wipe that truth away as if to say, move on , dry up , you tell yourself with all you have not to give up. 

Outcast, the last shall be first. You might have lost to start with but in the end , your life’s value is worth more than gold , you will  transcend. 

After being apart ,even puzzle pieces come together to form art. It takes some time to put together but soon it’ll all make sense , it will be a simple yet profound picture . 

I see you. 

Father , I know you’re there. I see you in the mountains , I see you in the trees. I see you in the sky , I feel you in this breeze. I know you’re in my victories ,I know you’re within me . I know you’re in my heart , especially when it seems all I have left to do is fall apart. I’m uncomfortable but stable. I’m stretched but growing. I’m frustrated but learning. I’ve not lost hope , I’m trusting. 

I see you. 

Void 

Soul, fill it up. Leave no room, close in on the emptiness, I hate this!

Soul, find what you can, dispose of this hole . Soul , the temporary will do, I just want to be full. Fullness is what I long for. 

Void, I hate you. You terrorise me , I can’t stand you. I’ll use my hands to get rid of you. I’ll work and work until there is no you. 

Void, you perk up when I’m trying to think. When in a moment I’m trying to reflect, you come, you ruin everything . You make me look back and turn into salt. A pillar, frozen in time. 

Soul , I take back what I said, rest. Rest in His arms. He is who makes you whole. All the things you’ve picked up to be complete , surrender. Those things you’ve gathered to feel again will be of no use to you. Those things will consume you without filling you, it will drain you. 

Look at Him. He is whole. Bless the Lord Oh my soul! Look to Him. Nothing can separate you from the Love, and Wholeness of Christ. No depth, no angel or demon. No darkness, NO VOID! 

Little One

It’s OK , sleep on my chest.

There are going to be so many moments where people are going to criticise me for the choices I make. They’re going to question whether or not I’m doing what’s best for you. They don’t know you as well as I do but yes, they’ll question what I do. I let you sleep on my chest because it’s the only way you’d receive rest. How could Mommy do this they wonder, easily! For you, anything my son. There’s going to come a day where even you will question me and my decisions , but when you’ve grown and matured you’ll see my decisions were made out of the purest of heart and with your best interests at the core of it. See son, as woman I’m judged constantly, consistently, and even more so now that I’m your Mother. I don’t mind enduring these discomforts in order to raise a man who adds strength to his community, a man who will add value to his family, a man who will contribute to his society. I’ll go against the grain for you my boy, I will. I take the word of a critic on the chin , as long as you’re safe and as long as you’re loved.

8 pounds 4 oz of Pure Quality

I carried you.I carried you while God put together your heart. Your heart that will show compassion to others. Your heart that will take courage when your days are dark. Your heart that might get broken by the one that you love. Your heart that I adore in all it’s innocence. I carried you while He put together your mind. Your mind that would think up intelligent ideas, beautiful thoughts, hard decisions, your mind that would sometimes have to process your mistakes. I carried you , knowing and believing that I’ll raise a man with character. A man that will have favour with God and man. A man of his word, a man who is proud of who he is. A man with integrity and dignity. The privilege of carrying you was outweighed by the immense love I got to feel while holding you.

My Tall Tree

My seed, I’ve planted you. I’ve covered you up with good dirt, good soil. I’ll get on my knees and tear out weeds, make sure no thorns surround you. Here I come with my big  bucket of water, you won’t dry out. You won’t wither.You were such a tiny seed when I first held you and already you’ve grown. My heart swells up with pride when I see you and all you can do. I love to tend to you, it’s my pleasure. I sit on the grass listening to sound of the birds and whispering breeze and in these moments it’s my hearts content to gaze at you. I stare at you, I care for you. You know I love you, you feel it through my hands, you know it by my touch. I want to see you become a tall tree. Tall and strong, oh but it’ll take time. I will see it with my own eyes. These eyes might have wrinkles beside them but these eyes will see you in full bloom. Some will rest on your shoulders and others will find peace in the cool shade you bring. I’ll make sure you get kissed by the Sun and all its light. I’ll make sure you soak up its warmth and radiate to others as it does to you. I’ll teach you how to look forward to each new day as the sun rises in the east and to be at peace with yourself and others by the time it sets in the west. I love what I’ve sown and I’ll love and adore what you and I will reap.  I’ll continue to sow into you, feed you and nurture the great in you . One day that’s all you’ll know how to do, is be a great big tall tree.

Love my son. Love my seed. Love my tree. Emerson Jeth

My life , a craft

I want to do it now. I want to start. I want to finish. I want to complete. I’d love for my life to be whole, whole hearted and full. I want it to mean all it should. I want it to have depth. I want to see promises fulfilled.

I do not want to be old and grey saying I wish I started earlier. I want to have hindsight be my friend . I want to be able to say I created what I was meant to. I made the mark I was born to. I built the bridges I was supposed to. I used my craft.  My life was well spent, with purpose, with intent.

The Young Black Girl

Just yesterday I was peering out the window just to look at the young black girl walking down the street. I was intrigued by her. I see more black people here now but still I get surprised at how many more of ‘us’ there are in this town. I’m not even black, I’m coloured but I’m dark-skinned so in New Zealand I’m black.

As I looked at her with her dark skin and long braids I reminisced on my younger days. Back when I came it was rare to see black folk around. Yes all the clichés apply. I was followed in stores, I was asked why I was wearing clothes as opposed to my usual leopard skin, and some guy with ginger hair said he’d have to take a shower after standing next to me. No I’ve got nothing against people with ginger hair, in fact I LOVE IT! After living here for so long it’s ironic to find that someone who gets teased for the colour of their hair would tease me for the colour of my skin. As if we choose our skin colour, nose, or hair. When someone says hurtful things about your body you can’t change (not for a while anyway) it really does leave a scar. What they do is mess with your worth.

Looking at her made me think of how strong I had to be. People staring, calling me nigga when I’ve only ever heard this term used on TV. I taught myself to have thick skin, without it I don’t know what would have become of me. I guess I owed it to my parents to persevere through it all. I mean they were the ones who sacrificed everything so I could have a better life, better opportunities and better use of my potential.

Now I’m a grown woman, a wife , and mother and still have grains of these experiences left to filter out of my life. Alongside my husband I’ve got to raise my son to be someone who doesn’t see colour but someone who sees with love. We’ve got to raise him with confidence. Confidence that can withstand adversity including racism or any prejudice. He must know that he is worthy. He is important. He will be great. He has plenty of opportunity and can achieve whatever goal he wishes.

Isn’t it silly how we as people have so many reasons to prove ourselves worthy because someone convinced us we’re unworthy . They convinced us using lies. People make people doubt their worth. Why do we do this to each other?

As I watched her, I hoped she doesn’t experience everything I did. I know we don’t live in a perfect world but I hope things have changed somewhat. I hope she doesn’t sense tension when she enters a room but a sense of belonging .

I just need to make it clear that not everyone here treated me as if the colour of my skin was an issue. As you know though it’s easier to remember the negative and harder to retain the positive.

Back then I was fifteen, now I’m twenty-seven. I’ve had a lot of time to grow and process. I’ve had time to embrace that people don’t always accept who and what you are. I’ve had time to walk boldly, to grow my confidence and love me despite what others may perceive to be love worthy.

I like being in my skin. It suits me. I look good in it. You look good in yours . I put it this way , love the skin you’re in and love the skin they’re in. Yes I’d like it to be that easy, I’m an optimist and I’ll stay that way.

Love Kelsey-Jane

I am a flower

I am a flower.

Beautiful and strong .I am one among many other beautiful and strong flowers.

I grow tired when I’m thirsty , I become hopeless. When I’m thirsty I lose shape , I become weary.

Sometimes I find I’ve been drinking polluted water. I find that I’ve filled myself with waste. It happens so easily, self pollution.

Some days are windy and on those windy days I push my roots into the ground. I have to. Sometimes I consider giving up but I can’t . There are so many of us in this big great garden and I like so many others, have to weather my storms.

Sometimes it pours with rain. It pours and pours and pours. It’s not always easy for me.  I feel vulnerable , I feel fragile . I know I’m stronger for it, I know I grow because of it but that doesn’t make mean like it. Funnily enough this rain is my strength too. If I didn’t have it I wouldn’t be as tall. My leaves wouldn’t look so rich with colour. My petals wouldn’t be as moist.

 Rain doesn’t last forever. Eventually the sunshine comes  and lights up my day. Oh the sun, I love it when it shines on my face, it makes me laugh, it makes me grow.

I am a flower.

I hold my head up high, I face the sky and give it my best smile.

I am a flower.

I live to bloom , not just have the potential to.

It’s not always easy but I love to hope.

I love being a flower.

I am

A Person. A Wife. A Mother

It’s hard to be YOU when you lose your vitals. The good that feeds your soul, feeds your life. The things that truly make you whole, the things that complete you.
What is your water? What are you drinking? What are you filling your life with?

These things truly hold us back from who we really are- Negative thoughts. Other people’s opinions. Pointless practices. Striving for perfection. Comparison.

Surround yourself with people who WANT/FIGHT to get through. People who do hope, people who dream. People with VISION.

Be filled with HOPE. Live out the potential spoken over you.

Love being you.

Milestones

You’ve got a lot more to say, you crawl a little further, you move around a whole lot faster! You scream a little louder , all these things that make me prouder. Proud to be your Mama. Yes I wish you’d sleep a little longer but I wouldn’t give you up, not ever.

Can’t imagine my life without you, how was I even me before you? I love to watch you think, I love when you achieve something like standing , I love how proud you get , I love that you seem pleased.

My little Emerson,so full of joy , so full of life. What a kind and strong man you’re going to be one day. What a wise young man you’re going to become. Already you love taking risks, you’re going to love life and all its adventures.

Until then Mommy and Daddy will be standing by, we’ll hold your hand, we’ll cheer you on, we’ll protect you, remain strong for you, we’ll do our favorite thing always and that is loving you.