Caution

Silly! Silly!

A void can’t be quenched with that which is futile.

The mirror on the wall will soon tell all.

Stuffing your mouth full of waste , always will lead to a bad after taste.

Contemplate wisdom, seek it out if you have none of your own to hone.

Quick! Quick!

Foolishness approaches and will leave you broken and all alone.

Garner gossip and you’ll break your teeth, a wide open mouth’s truth will be revealed.

Remember to listen before you speak.

Sharp words, deep wounds,

how to forget a loved one’s bruise.

Many grey hairs later, what will they say?

You brought tears of joy or much dismay ?

 

Kelsey-Jane Hedder

 

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Our Love

I refuse to grow numb to your love ,

to your touch.

My ears will ring yet with the sound of your voice,

I will not turn a deaf ear.

And though my arms are tired and I sometimes grow weary,

I will continue to fiercely fan into flame

our love.

 

Kelsey-Jane Hedder

Weight Of My Words

WEIGHT OF MY WORDS

We were so excited about the news of having another baby but nothing prepared us for this moment.  Sitting in front of a beautiful and graceful young Doctor.  You couldn’t wipe the smiles off our faces, we were expecting good news.  She was going to say that everything was OK and what was previously a concern was not an issue. She said so kindly, “unfortunately it’s not good news”, I smiled in response, in disbelief.

I was so absorbed in my premeditated fantasy of this meeting that I was caught off guard. The truth set in very quickly.  The doctor went through all our options and it’s safe to say this was a terrible, terrible day. We went home in utter shock, “how could this have happened?” I asked myself. In my mind I listed off all the reasons why this happened, thought of my actions and how they could have lead me here, lead me to a miscarriage.   I know now this isn’t true but I believed it.
I cried with Wes whose shoulders were made strong for such a time as this.  A good man isn’t just there for the good times, he’s there for the bad, he’s made for these moments. God was so meticulous in the way he designed men. The beauty of my husband’s heart, his character, his strength is even clearer in these moments.

I had an afternoon nap because I couldn’t stand being awake thinking about my reality.   I woke up and my Mother had cooked me soul food.  I experienced true comfort food. She cooked everything I like.  Pan fried fish, hot potato chips, salad with avocado in it and bean salad.  She cooked for her baby, and I felt that.

We were supposed to board a flight to China in the next 24 hours, well that flight was cancelled, and another one booked. Crazy I know but Wes and I were determined to continue with our dream to take a step that would cost us a lot of faith. Although we were hurting, our dream still was calling.  A dream to have great faith again.  Faith that was daring.  Faith that was scary.  Most of all a faith that would cause us to rely on God in unbelievable ways again.

The following Monday I went in for minor surgery at the Waikato Hospital.  I was so humbled by the staff at the hospital, tears rolling down my face, the tenderness they expressed to me was unforgettable. Light on, light off, I was out for twenty minutes.  I remember being this overwhelmed with thanksgiving toward the staff when I gave birth to Emerson.  Two very different circumstances to be in.
I knew very well I was going to grieve on my own some days, with no one around but God and Emerson.  I threw myself into an ocean of reconciliation.  I threw myself at the healing process saying “I am ok, I am good and I will be able to move on”.  Not forget, just allow myself to grieve and then hope again. I let myself cry every now and then about the person I lost. “Who were they? what was his/her dreams? Why did I say bye before I got to say hello?” ,  I was angry too but by God’s grace I knew I would be at peace.  I had truly accepted the loss and realized this would just be one of those things I would never forget.

A little while longer it was our first school holiday in China.  We had a great week spending time together and exploring a little.  We didn’t do too much, just relaxed and got used to our local surroundings. I happened to be extremely sassy with Wes that weekend, I can be a real drama queen when raging hormones get the better of me.
I quickly realized I was being a little intense for no good reason. So, the thought struck me, could I be pregnant!?!  You better believe I quickly went and got three tests.  Thinking the test was negative I spoke to God and cried about the miscarriage.  I blinked and looked through my tears to see a positive result.  Tested again, and again, and sure enough we were going to have another baby! I also had a blood test which confirmed pregnancy, “ah, I can relax and carry again” I thought.

Soon my body started rejecting the pregnancy, the physical pain was unbearable but nothing compared to the thoughts flooding my mind.  We went to see the Doctor who couldn’t say everything was ok yet, she couldn’t say all is lost either.
After a series of blood tests and prescribed bed rest I got the call to say I had miscarried.
Well there I was again, similar to the last time, trying to fall asleep. It’s hard to sleep away such pain.  I never thought it could happen again. You can imagine all the questions I had and still have, too many to list off.

If this has happened to you, I’m sorry.  I know so many women who have carried for even longer than I have and have lost little loved ones.  Some have held their little ones and lost them.  Others have given birth to a passed-on soul.  And still others have a hard time falling pregnant. It hurts so much because there’s an overwhelming sense of feeling like you have all this love to give before you ever hear them cry for the first time.  Loving them before they hold your finger in return.  I’ve found it especially hard thinking about who I was going to raise, who I was going to smother with kisses, share dreams with, and play in parks with.

I am so confident that I am growing in this time, that through this I am becoming stronger, my faith is rising. I really will not allow satan to make me sink deep into hopelessness.
I just want to share this story to honor some people who have gone through this too. Before this it was so easy for me to encourage others who at the time were unable to conceive or have miscarried.  Now I know the weight of my words, I know what I am asking of them.
When I say to have faith and believe, it’s asking lot. It’s scary at this point to believe because you could get hurt, or be disappointed again.  You could get your hopes high for nothing, have to walk this same painful journey once more. I’m here to say do it again, believe , have faith to ask , and dream again.  I just want to say I respect you for hoping, for letting it out and crying because it hurts. I’m proud of you, I’ve seen you be strong and be brave , I’m doing the same in honor of you, in honor of our faith.

When you feel like you just can’t believe, or you feel like faith is lost , do this one thing -cling to the truth that God is good. He really is..

Good Good Father – Casting Crowns : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gSugruC1jQ
Do it again – Elevation Worship : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0B_lnQIITxU

 

Romans 8 : 20
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

I’m not saying it’s easy, I’m saying God is good and that is the only answer I have to the last three months of my life.

 

Kelsey-Jane Hedder

A Recorded Conversation…

Here it is, I lay it bear before You. Read the words written here. What a relief to know there are no secrets between You and I. Look at what you see. Here listed are my imperfections. Here are my dreams. Here are my accomplishments. Here are the things I pride myself in -good and bad. Here are the idols we need to tear down. Here are Your plans for me – how beautiful. I’m not exposed and made to feel ashamed with you, I’m vulnerable and free. I’m open. I hate displeasing you, although at times it comes naturally to my self- my flesh. Here are secrets hidden to many, but not to You. Holy Spirit bring rest here. I’ve discovered that on my own I cannot discover the kind of peace and rest I long for. Without You I simply cannot live a pure and holy life.

Here it is, my heart. Take it, keep it. It’s Yours first. Look at all the cares I carry in it, I give these to you now. I give you my joys, and my uncertainties. My laughs and my cries. Take all my cares. The one care I’ll keep though, is the desire to be near you. As I pass these cares to you I soon realise the peace you’ve previously described to me. Such peace surpasses my understanding.

No heavy heart here. Not after speaking with you.

Susan my Grandma! 

We don’t speak for long, but when we do I walk away with buckets and buckets full of faith

She speaks and wisdom pours from her lips. She laughs and joy overflows to those who hear it , and yes demons flee! 

I always end up overwhelmed by the grace in her voice, the Grace of God . My eyes fill up with tears because I hear Authority in her voice, I hear confidence in Him. I can sense how close they are, and His presence overwhelms me. I’m amazed by this woman, that this kind of woman is in my bloodline. 

My grandmother. A pillar of faith. A prayerful woman. A very kind woman. A loving woman. A woman rich in spirit. I want to be like her, and if I want to be like her, what I’m really saying is I want to be like Him 

#Mama #Susan #AlwaysPraisingGod

Outcast

Outcast, chosen last. Left aside , left behind. 

How does one describe being pushed aside.

For many years , I’ve seen your heart bleed , I’ve seen the need to cover up , and muster up the strength to face your overwhelming fears. 

Back and forth your mind races, through all the spaces. The different faces, and all those places that you’ve been hurt. 

Outcast. You stare in the mirror and stare at the pillar of pain, you can’t move, you can’t run away.  How can one run from ones self? 

‘What are you looking at!?!’ you ask as they stare at your unveiled hurt. It runs down from your truth telling eyes , down your cheek. And with your hands you wipe that truth away as if to say, move on , dry up , you tell yourself with all you have not to give up. 

Outcast, the last shall be first. You might have lost to start with but in the end , your life’s value is worth more than gold , you will  transcend. 

After being apart ,even puzzle pieces come together to form art. It takes some time to put together but soon it’ll all make sense , it will be a simple yet profound picture . 

I see you. 

Father , I know you’re there. I see you in the mountains , I see you in the trees. I see you in the sky , I feel you in this breeze. I know you’re in my victories ,I know you’re within me . I know you’re in my heart , especially when it seems all I have left to do is fall apart. I’m uncomfortable but stable. I’m stretched but growing. I’m frustrated but learning. I’ve not lost hope , I’m trusting. 

I see you. 

Void 

Soul, fill it up. Leave no room, close in on the emptiness, I hate this!

Soul, find what you can, dispose of this hole . Soul , the temporary will do, I just want to be full. Fullness is what I long for. 

Void, I hate you. You terrorise me , I can’t stand you. I’ll use my hands to get rid of you. I’ll work and work until there is no you. 

Void, you perk up when I’m trying to think. When in a moment I’m trying to reflect, you come, you ruin everything . You make me look back and turn into salt. A pillar, frozen in time. 

Soul , I take back what I said, rest. Rest in His arms. He is who makes you whole. All the things you’ve picked up to be complete , surrender. Those things you’ve gathered to feel again will be of no use to you. Those things will consume you without filling you, it will drain you. 

Look at Him. He is whole. Bless the Lord Oh my soul! Look to Him. Nothing can separate you from the Love, and Wholeness of Christ. No depth, no angel or demon. No darkness, NO VOID! 

Little One

It’s OK , sleep on my chest.

There are going to be so many moments where people are going to criticise me for the choices I make. They’re going to question whether or not I’m doing what’s best for you. They don’t know you as well as I do but yes, they’ll question what I do. I let you sleep on my chest because it’s the only way you’d receive rest. How could Mommy do this they wonder, easily! For you, anything my son. There’s going to come a day where even you will question me and my decisions , but when you’ve grown and matured you’ll see my decisions were made out of the purest of heart and with your best interests at the core of it. See son, as woman I’m judged constantly, consistently, and even more so now that I’m your Mother. I don’t mind enduring these discomforts in order to raise a man who adds strength to his community, a man who will add value to his family, a man who will contribute to his society. I’ll go against the grain for you my boy, I will. I take the word of a critic on the chin , as long as you’re safe and as long as you’re loved.

8 pounds 4 oz of Pure Quality

I carried you.I carried you while God put together your heart. Your heart that will show compassion to others. Your heart that will take courage when your days are dark. Your heart that might get broken by the one that you love. Your heart that I adore in all it’s innocence. I carried you while He put together your mind. Your mind that would think up intelligent ideas, beautiful thoughts, hard decisions, your mind that would sometimes have to process your mistakes. I carried you , knowing and believing that I’ll raise a man with character. A man that will have favour with God and man. A man of his word, a man who is proud of who he is. A man with integrity and dignity. The privilege of carrying you was outweighed by the immense love I got to feel while holding you.

My Tall Tree

My seed, I’ve planted you. I’ve covered you up with good dirt, good soil. I’ll get on my knees and tear out weeds, make sure no thorns surround you. Here I come with my big  bucket of water, you won’t dry out. You won’t wither.You were such a tiny seed when I first held you and already you’ve grown. My heart swells up with pride when I see you and all you can do. I love to tend to you, it’s my pleasure. I sit on the grass listening to sound of the birds and whispering breeze and in these moments it’s my hearts content to gaze at you. I stare at you, I care for you. You know I love you, you feel it through my hands, you know it by my touch. I want to see you become a tall tree. Tall and strong, oh but it’ll take time. I will see it with my own eyes. These eyes might have wrinkles beside them but these eyes will see you in full bloom. Some will rest on your shoulders and others will find peace in the cool shade you bring. I’ll make sure you get kissed by the Sun and all its light. I’ll make sure you soak up its warmth and radiate to others as it does to you. I’ll teach you how to look forward to each new day as the sun rises in the east and to be at peace with yourself and others by the time it sets in the west. I love what I’ve sown and I’ll love and adore what you and I will reap.  I’ll continue to sow into you, feed you and nurture the great in you . One day that’s all you’ll know how to do, is be a great big tall tree.

Love my son. Love my seed. Love my tree. Emerson Jeth

My life , a craft

I want to do it now. I want to start. I want to finish. I want to complete. I’d love for my life to be whole, whole hearted and full. I want it to mean all it should. I want it to have depth. I want to see promises fulfilled.

I do not want to be old and grey saying I wish I started earlier. I want to have hindsight be my friend . I want to be able to say I created what I was meant to. I made the mark I was born to. I built the bridges I was supposed to. I used my craft.  My life was well spent, with purpose, with intent.