WEIGHT OF MY WORDS
We were so excited about the news of having another baby but nothing prepared us for this moment. Sitting in front of a beautiful and graceful young Doctor. You couldn’t wipe the smiles off our faces, we were expecting good news. She was going to say that everything was OK and what was previously a concern was not an issue. She said so kindly, “unfortunately it’s not good news”, I smiled in response, in disbelief.
I was so absorbed in my premeditated fantasy of this meeting that I was caught off guard. The truth set in very quickly. The doctor went through all our options and it’s safe to say this was a terrible, terrible day. We went home in utter shock, “how could this have happened?” I asked myself. In my mind I listed off all the reasons why this happened, thought of my actions and how they could have lead me here, lead me to a miscarriage. I know now this isn’t true but I believed it.
I cried with Wes whose shoulders were made strong for such a time as this. A good man isn’t just there for the good times, he’s there for the bad, he’s made for these moments. God was so meticulous in the way he designed men. The beauty of my husband’s heart, his character, his strength is even clearer in these moments.
I had an afternoon nap because I couldn’t stand being awake thinking about my reality. I woke up and my Mother had cooked me soul food. I experienced true comfort food. She cooked everything I like. Pan fried fish, hot potato chips, salad with avocado in it and bean salad. She cooked for her baby, and I felt that.
We were supposed to board a flight to China in the next 24 hours, well that flight was cancelled, and another one booked. Crazy I know but Wes and I were determined to continue with our dream to take a step that would cost us a lot of faith. Although we were hurting, our dream still was calling. A dream to have great faith again. Faith that was daring. Faith that was scary. Most of all a faith that would cause us to rely on God in unbelievable ways again.
The following Monday I went in for minor surgery at the Waikato Hospital. I was so humbled by the staff at the hospital, tears rolling down my face, the tenderness they expressed to me was unforgettable. Light on, light off, I was out for twenty minutes. I remember being this overwhelmed with thanksgiving toward the staff when I gave birth to Emerson. Two very different circumstances to be in.
I knew very well I was going to grieve on my own some days, with no one around but God and Emerson. I threw myself into an ocean of reconciliation. I threw myself at the healing process saying “I am ok, I am good and I will be able to move on”. Not forget, just allow myself to grieve and then hope again. I let myself cry every now and then about the person I lost. “Who were they? what was his/her dreams? Why did I say bye before I got to say hello?” , I was angry too but by God’s grace I knew I would be at peace. I had truly accepted the loss and realized this would just be one of those things I would never forget.
A little while longer it was our first school holiday in China. We had a great week spending time together and exploring a little. We didn’t do too much, just relaxed and got used to our local surroundings. I happened to be extremely sassy with Wes that weekend, I can be a real drama queen when raging hormones get the better of me.
I quickly realized I was being a little intense for no good reason. So, the thought struck me, could I be pregnant!?! You better believe I quickly went and got three tests. Thinking the test was negative I spoke to God and cried about the miscarriage. I blinked and looked through my tears to see a positive result. Tested again, and again, and sure enough we were going to have another baby! I also had a blood test which confirmed pregnancy, “ah, I can relax and carry again” I thought.
Soon my body started rejecting the pregnancy, the physical pain was unbearable but nothing compared to the thoughts flooding my mind. We went to see the Doctor who couldn’t say everything was ok yet, she couldn’t say all is lost either.
After a series of blood tests and prescribed bed rest I got the call to say I had miscarried.
Well there I was again, similar to the last time, trying to fall asleep. It’s hard to sleep away such pain. I never thought it could happen again. You can imagine all the questions I had and still have, too many to list off.
If this has happened to you, I’m sorry. I know so many women who have carried for even longer than I have and have lost little loved ones. Some have held their little ones and lost them. Others have given birth to a passed-on soul. And still others have a hard time falling pregnant. It hurts so much because there’s an overwhelming sense of feeling like you have all this love to give before you ever hear them cry for the first time. Loving them before they hold your finger in return. I’ve found it especially hard thinking about who I was going to raise, who I was going to smother with kisses, share dreams with, and play in parks with.
I am so confident that I am growing in this time, that through this I am becoming stronger, my faith is rising. I really will not allow satan to make me sink deep into hopelessness.
I just want to share this story to honor some people who have gone through this too. Before this it was so easy for me to encourage others who at the time were unable to conceive or have miscarried. Now I know the weight of my words, I know what I am asking of them.
When I say to have faith and believe, it’s asking lot. It’s scary at this point to believe because you could get hurt, or be disappointed again. You could get your hopes high for nothing, have to walk this same painful journey once more. I’m here to say do it again, believe , have faith to ask , and dream again. I just want to say I respect you for hoping, for letting it out and crying because it hurts. I’m proud of you, I’ve seen you be strong and be brave , I’m doing the same in honor of you, in honor of our faith.
When you feel like you just can’t believe, or you feel like faith is lost , do this one thing -cling to the truth that God is good. He really is..
Good Good Father – Casting Crowns : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gSugruC1jQ
Do it again – Elevation Worship : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0B_lnQIITxU
Romans 8 : 20
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
I’m not saying it’s easy, I’m saying God is good and that is the only answer I have to the last three months of my life.