Breathe

Oh to breathe,

Oh to be thine self.

Oh to love the true me,

Oh to find such wealth!

To finally let go, of words spoken in judgement and fear

I now hold my truth, no lie whispered here.

I too have the right to breathe, and to be one of the free.

I no longer let man dictate to me my destiny.

Finally I’m doing what I’m meant to be,

I’m living as the free do, I’m existing in my dream.

 

Kelsey-Jane Hedder

 

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Caution

Silly! Silly!

A void can’t be quenched with that which is futile.

The mirror on the wall will soon tell all.

Stuffing your mouth full of waste , always will lead to a bad after taste.

Contemplate wisdom, seek it out if you have none of your own to hone.

Quick! Quick!

Foolishness approaches and will leave you broken and all alone.

Garner gossip and you’ll break your teeth, a wide open mouth’s truth will be revealed.

Remember to listen before you speak.

Sharp words, deep wounds,

how to forget a loved one’s bruise.

Many grey hairs later, what will they say?

You brought tears of joy or much dismay ?

 

Kelsey-Jane Hedder

 

Our Love

I refuse to grow numb to your love ,

to your touch.

My ears will ring yet with the sound of your voice,

I will not turn a deaf ear.

And though my arms are tired and I sometimes grow weary,

I will continue to fiercely fan into flame

our love.

 

Kelsey-Jane Hedder

Weight Of My Words

WEIGHT OF MY WORDS

We were so excited about the news of having another baby but nothing prepared us for this moment.  Sitting in front of a beautiful and graceful young Doctor.  You couldn’t wipe the smiles off our faces, we were expecting good news.  She was going to say that everything was OK and what was previously a concern was not an issue. She said so kindly, “unfortunately it’s not good news”, I smiled in response, in disbelief.

I was so absorbed in my premeditated fantasy of this meeting that I was caught off guard. The truth set in very quickly.  The doctor went through all our options and it’s safe to say this was a terrible, terrible day. We went home in utter shock, “how could this have happened?” I asked myself. In my mind I listed off all the reasons why this happened, thought of my actions and how they could have lead me here, lead me to a miscarriage.   I know now this isn’t true but I believed it.
I cried with Wes whose shoulders were made strong for such a time as this.  A good man isn’t just there for the good times, he’s there for the bad, he’s made for these moments. God was so meticulous in the way he designed men. The beauty of my husband’s heart, his character, his strength is even clearer in these moments.

I had an afternoon nap because I couldn’t stand being awake thinking about my reality.   I woke up and my Mother had cooked me soul food.  I experienced true comfort food. She cooked everything I like.  Pan fried fish, hot potato chips, salad with avocado in it and bean salad.  She cooked for her baby, and I felt that.

We were supposed to board a flight to China in the next 24 hours, well that flight was cancelled, and another one booked. Crazy I know but Wes and I were determined to continue with our dream to take a step that would cost us a lot of faith. Although we were hurting, our dream still was calling.  A dream to have great faith again.  Faith that was daring.  Faith that was scary.  Most of all a faith that would cause us to rely on God in unbelievable ways again.

The following Monday I went in for minor surgery at the Waikato Hospital.  I was so humbled by the staff at the hospital, tears rolling down my face, the tenderness they expressed to me was unforgettable. Light on, light off, I was out for twenty minutes.  I remember being this overwhelmed with thanksgiving toward the staff when I gave birth to Emerson.  Two very different circumstances to be in.
I knew very well I was going to grieve on my own some days, with no one around but God and Emerson.  I threw myself into an ocean of reconciliation.  I threw myself at the healing process saying “I am ok, I am good and I will be able to move on”.  Not forget, just allow myself to grieve and then hope again. I let myself cry every now and then about the person I lost. “Who were they? what was his/her dreams? Why did I say bye before I got to say hello?” ,  I was angry too but by God’s grace I knew I would be at peace.  I had truly accepted the loss and realized this would just be one of those things I would never forget.

A little while longer it was our first school holiday in China.  We had a great week spending time together and exploring a little.  We didn’t do too much, just relaxed and got used to our local surroundings. I happened to be extremely sassy with Wes that weekend, I can be a real drama queen when raging hormones get the better of me.
I quickly realized I was being a little intense for no good reason. So, the thought struck me, could I be pregnant!?!  You better believe I quickly went and got three tests.  Thinking the test was negative I spoke to God and cried about the miscarriage.  I blinked and looked through my tears to see a positive result.  Tested again, and again, and sure enough we were going to have another baby! I also had a blood test which confirmed pregnancy, “ah, I can relax and carry again” I thought.

Soon my body started rejecting the pregnancy, the physical pain was unbearable but nothing compared to the thoughts flooding my mind.  We went to see the Doctor who couldn’t say everything was ok yet, she couldn’t say all is lost either.
After a series of blood tests and prescribed bed rest I got the call to say I had miscarried.
Well there I was again, similar to the last time, trying to fall asleep. It’s hard to sleep away such pain.  I never thought it could happen again. You can imagine all the questions I had and still have, too many to list off.

If this has happened to you, I’m sorry.  I know so many women who have carried for even longer than I have and have lost little loved ones.  Some have held their little ones and lost them.  Others have given birth to a passed-on soul.  And still others have a hard time falling pregnant. It hurts so much because there’s an overwhelming sense of feeling like you have all this love to give before you ever hear them cry for the first time.  Loving them before they hold your finger in return.  I’ve found it especially hard thinking about who I was going to raise, who I was going to smother with kisses, share dreams with, and play in parks with.

I am so confident that I am growing in this time, that through this I am becoming stronger, my faith is rising. I really will not allow satan to make me sink deep into hopelessness.
I just want to share this story to honor some people who have gone through this too. Before this it was so easy for me to encourage others who at the time were unable to conceive or have miscarried.  Now I know the weight of my words, I know what I am asking of them.
When I say to have faith and believe, it’s asking lot. It’s scary at this point to believe because you could get hurt, or be disappointed again.  You could get your hopes high for nothing, have to walk this same painful journey once more. I’m here to say do it again, believe , have faith to ask , and dream again.  I just want to say I respect you for hoping, for letting it out and crying because it hurts. I’m proud of you, I’ve seen you be strong and be brave , I’m doing the same in honor of you, in honor of our faith.

When you feel like you just can’t believe, or you feel like faith is lost , do this one thing -cling to the truth that God is good. He really is..

Good Good Father – Casting Crowns : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gSugruC1jQ
Do it again – Elevation Worship : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0B_lnQIITxU

 

Romans 8 : 20
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

I’m not saying it’s easy, I’m saying God is good and that is the only answer I have to the last three months of my life.

 

Kelsey-Jane Hedder

Greener Grass

Why do we always want what we can’t have?

When will what we have become worth having? worth holding?

Everyday we get offered , at a price of course, to forgo joy and purchase sorrow .

Yes, it’s all wrapped in gold, it’s shiny and it is hollow.

More, more, more, greed is becoming the norm.

Will we ever be satisfied with what we’re given or continuously grab for it all?

It must be human nature to pursue all we want, but it’s never good for our spirit nature

to get all that we want.

On the other side ,the grass is always greener, I wonder what efforts they’ve gone

to, did they paint it all green for you, the onlooker?

I throw no stone, here from my glass house, I consider myself , my wants and so called

needs, what is it really all about?

Oh my soul don’t chase after things that fade!

These things glisten only for a moment in time,

look again and it’s aged at the flip of a dime!

What do you want? Why do you want it?

What do I want? Why do I want it?

Kelsey-Jane Hedder

His Love Is Like :

Gushing , relentless, wave after wave I’m overwhelmed with this passionate love .

How deep can love run? So deep, with you, so deep.

My heart beats because you allow it, my blood flows , because you chose, me.

I turn my head left and look , you’ve  kissed my head.

I turn right and you’re holding my hand.

I am never without you.

I arrived here, born to Sandra ,and you were in that very room waiting with

anticipation.

Although you knew me , you looked forward to meeting me, here, where dust walks.

Your love is unconditional, and extravagant , it is so detailed.

Every fibre of my world can feel you, I only need let go of the control the world is

constantly offering me.

This love is the remedy to every broken and flawed place in me.

This love is a balm to wounds thought to bring silence to me.

So forgiving. You’ve loved through centuries.

Centuries, my God!

We’ve come to you and we’ve walked away,

back and forth through deserts and promised lands.

You’ve given yourself to the imperfect , you who are perfect love.

I don’t need to look to the lines on my palms to see what this life holds for me.

I look at you, I look at your heart, your will is better than mine.

Those lines unread here but when raised to you my unique identity revealed to heaven.

Your design in and through me cannot be compared to another, each hand print unique.

So when I adorn you with my song, with my words , and with my affection ,

it stands alone.

My sound is unlike my sisters , hers you cherish too ,because you made her , you made

only one of her. I hope she knows that.

The narrow path isn’t  always convenient , but you walk it with me , and you’ve always

picked me up when I’ve tripped.

How do you stay when I blame you?

How do you smile at me with that gleaming in your eye,

knowing all you know about me?

I am your beloved , and I’ve been loved by you.

I’ll stay in love.

 

I can’t love you as you love me , but I will offer what I have in it’s entirety .

I can love you with all this will you’ve given me, I can choose you .

I’m offering you my highest praise , take my devotion.

Have my greatest hallelujah, it’s yours.

I am yours – one of them anyway .

 

Kelsey-Jane Hedder

 

Come

Consumed by grief, how could I neglect You?

Turn away from You?

Hurt by life , how could I forget You?

My moan so deep , I longed for it to stop and all did was carry on.

I could barely see, my eyes near shut from the tears pouring from my broken heart.

I know You tried to comfort me, but remember the moan? I couldn’t hear!

You clenched my hand in Yours but I let go.

You were the one a so dearly needed, now I know.

I was angry , I was confused, I blamed you, I said “it’s all Your fault”,

that was untrue.

I cannot make peace with all of this unless You come.

I cannot pretend I can keep it together without You.

Will You come now,  be here with me  and I’ll be ok.

 

 

 

 

A Recorded Conversation…

Here it is, I lay it bear before You. Read the words written here. What a relief to know there are no secrets between You and I. Look at what you see. Here listed are my imperfections. Here are my dreams. Here are my accomplishments. Here are the things I pride myself in -good and bad. Here are the idols we need to tear down. Here are Your plans for me – how beautiful. I’m not exposed and made to feel ashamed with you, I’m vulnerable and free. I’m open. I hate displeasing you, although at times it comes naturally to my self- my flesh. Here are secrets hidden to many, but not to You. Holy Spirit bring rest here. I’ve discovered that on my own I cannot discover the kind of peace and rest I long for. Without You I simply cannot live a pure and holy life.

Here it is, my heart. Take it, keep it. It’s Yours first. Look at all the cares I carry in it, I give these to you now. I give you my joys, and my uncertainties. My laughs and my cries. Take all my cares. The one care I’ll keep though, is the desire to be near you. As I pass these cares to you I soon realise the peace you’ve previously described to me. Such peace surpasses my understanding.

No heavy heart here. Not after speaking with you.

Susan my Grandma! 

We don’t speak for long, but when we do I walk away with buckets and buckets full of faith.

She speaks and wisdom pours from her lips. She laughs and joy overflows to those who hear it , and yes demons flee!

I always end up overwhelmed by the grace in her voice, the Grace of God . My eyes fill up with tears because I hear Authority in her voice, I hear confidence in Him. I can sense how close they are, and His presence overwhelms me. I’m amazed by this woman, that this kind of woman is in my bloodline.

My grandmother. A pillar of faith. A prayerful woman. A very kind woman. A loving woman. A woman rich in spirit. I want to be like her, and if I want to be like her, what I’m really saying is I want to be like Him 

#Mama #Susan #AlwaysPraisingGod

It’s been one day,  we miss you already.

 

Outcast

Outcast, chosen last. Left aside , left behind. 

How does one describe being pushed aside.

For many years , I’ve seen your heart bleed , I’ve seen the need to cover up , and muster up the strength to face your overwhelming fears. 

Back and forth your mind races, through all the spaces. The different faces, and all those places that you’ve been hurt. 

Outcast. You stare in the mirror and stare at the pillar of pain, you can’t move, you can’t run away.  How can one run from ones self? 

‘What are you looking at!?!’ you ask as they stare at your unveiled hurt. It runs down from your truth telling eyes , down your cheek. And with your hands you wipe that truth away as if to say, move on , dry up , you tell yourself with all you have not to give up. 

Outcast, the last shall be first. You might have lost to start with but in the end , your life’s value is worth more than gold , you will  transcend. 

After being apart ,even puzzle pieces come together to form art. It takes some time to put together but soon it’ll all make sense , it will be a simple yet profound picture .